A lonesome star, shining bright

Ever since I heard of my acceptance to Michigan Tech, I keep having these moments of existential depression. Feeling like no one here gets me or gets themselves for that matter. Everyone talks all this talk about sustainability, then they go up to pub night and brag about all the crap they've bought, perpetuating their unethical and unsustainable levels of consumption.

Someone complemented my dress today. Then another student asked if I made this one as well (two of the other dresses I've been wearing are hand made). I replied that I did not. I bought it in a store several months ago, at a time when I was not thinking enough about where it came from. I said that I felt guilty for wearing it because I don't know where it was made, and it most likely is made unethically off sweatshop labor or something equally horrible. The girl I was talking to said "Who cares how its made, its beautiful."

I wanted to change immediately.

I guess I shouldn't let these things get to me, but they do. I think Jenny, the spiritual leader on the ship, could notice that I was feeling down and she gave me a huge hug. I thanked her, because I really needed that human connection at that point. She went on to tell me I was a big bright shining star on this ship and that she is grateful for my presence. I thanked her and said her comment meant a lot to me because I feel very alone on this ship sometimes. She reminded me that I am not alone and that she is there for me if ever I need her.

I think I ostracized myself further is my Sustainable Communities class today. Everyone was talking about how China and India should do things differently as they develop and how we should have international laws mandating this. Everyone kept pointing the blame on others, acting like its the legislature's job or the business's job to turn our country around and make everything sustainable.

I flat out said they should stop pointing the blame at others and look at themselves! We, as individuals, are all so small compared to the things you are talking about. We cannot change other peopl, we can only change ourselves. Stop talking about what everyone else should do and start looking at what YOU can do! If you want to make any difference, you must first re-evaluate your own life and change your own habits!

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not. But I'm not about to sit here and say that China's people should not have cars when I drive one myself. I don't think people like hearing that they should take responsibility for their own actions, though. Its always easier to put the attention and blame on someone else. But the fact of the matter is that if everyone on the world lived like Americans do, it would take almost five Earth's to provide all the resources. If we all lived like the Chinese, we could live off just one Earth. We are the ones who need to change, not them.

I want to share this song with you because it helps keep me sane

"There ain't no reason things are this way
Its how they've always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way
we do it every day

Preachers on the podium speaking of saints
prophets on the sidewalks beggin for change
old ladies laughin from a fire escape, cursin my name

I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same
a window and a pidgeon with a broken wing
you can spend your whole life workin for something
just to have it taken away

People walk around pushin back their debts
wearing paychecks like necklaces and bracelets
talkin 'bout nothin' not thinkin' 'bout death
every little heartbeat every little breath

People walk a tight rope on a razor's edge
carryin' their hurt and hatred and weapons
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pin
or a thought or a word or a sentence

There ain't no reason things are this way
its how they've always been and they intend to stay
I don't know why I say the things that I say
but I say them anyway

But love will come set me free
love will come set me free
I do believe
love will come set me free, I know it will
love will come set me free, yes

Prison walls still standin' tall
some things never change at all
Keep on buildin prisons
gonna fill them all
keep on buildin' bombs
gonna drop them all

Workin' your fingers bare to the bone
breakin' your, they'll make you sell your soul
like a lung that's filled with coal
suffocating slow

The wind blows wild and I may move
but politicians lie and I am not fooled
You don't need no reason nor a three-piece suit
to argue the truth

The air on my skin and the world under my toes
slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes
chaos and commotion where ever I go
Love I try to follow, love will come set me free

love will come set my free, I do believe
love will come set me free
I know it will, love will come set me free, yes

there ain't no reason things are this way
its how they're always been and they intend to stay
I don't know why we live this way
we do it everyday."

-"Ain't no Reason" Brett Dennen

Just writing that made me feel better. Now I'm going to go practice my Chinese with my friends from Fudan University and learn as much as I can in preparation for my adventure in Shanghai, but more on that later.

Ta ta for now